On Pride Month 2021

Two-plus years of life have happened since my last post, and I’ve been waiting in part until I can buy a custom domain again before really throwing myself into “writing” any more. Each time I come back to the Google Docs file I use to start writing again, I’m reminded of projects I say I’m going to start, only to start but then drop again almost immediately. My first instinct after this is to defend why I haven’t been active in my writing - as if I have anything to defend.

On my own, I lead a boring life. I work a desk job during the week, and I spend the rest of my time laid up in bed. I do laundry and bedding once a week, and I put gas in my car and go grocery-shopping once a paycheck. For fun I might put in an hour or two at the gym once or twice a week. I used to go to shows to watch my friends perform, or go play in our community band, but those days are basically over.

Since starting a new job in early 2019, my primary focus has been resolving debts since being on unemployment for a few months in 2017. After paying off four years’ worth of tax debt as well as four major credit cards in two and a half years’ time, I can’t afford to do much now but continue to recover quietly behind the scenes. Despite being alcohol-free since September 2018 and nicotine-free since November 2018, I still frequently reassure myself that there’s more to me than meets the eye.

June is LGBTQIA+ Pride Month: a month dedicated to recounting LGBTQIA+ history, highlighting a worldwide and longstanding fight for human rights, and honoring cultural origins and key historical figures - and in doing so, empowering people to learn about, be honest with, and stand confidently in themselves, and in unity and solidarity with each other. This year, I would like to close this Pride Month with a confession: I paint my nails.

The COVID-19 pandemic impacted everyone and everything, and exposed many harsh truths. Not only was systemic oppression of marginalized people (in forms of racism, police brutality, wage inequality, workers’ rights, and access to healthcare, among so many others) brought to light - I also couldn’t wear my rings as often anymore because of constant hand-washing. Painting my nails came to serve as an outlet to help fill the aesthetic void that jewelry left behind.

I have dreaded publicly announcing this because I felt like I would be proving my bullies right - strangers and acquaintances (and even family) alike, online and off, all the way from early school-age well into adulthood. By speaking this truth, I want to establish that no one “knew it,” or defines who or what I am but me. Once I accept and own something about myself - not to be dismissed by sentiments like “I don’t care about that,” but instead to be acknowledged and respected as part of who and what I am - no one can use it against me anymore. By living this truth, I want to show the world that I exist, persevere, and flourish; making the world a more colorful place regardless of others’ opinions of me or the important people in my life. Painting your nails is for everyone. If you enjoy something enough, if it makes you feel like your most comfortable and authentic self, and if you’re not hurting anyone by doing it, then you should do it.

Life is short, and each of us only gets so much time and energy while we’re here. None of this is to say that I never wasted time or energy perpetuating and projecting the hurt and bullying I’ve endured onto others - because I have, and I still do. Words can’t express the regret I feel for doing so. The best apology I can offer is taking responsibility for the harm that I caused, and actively working to change my behavior and advocating for changed behavior moving forward.

Looking forward to continuing to heal and grow as a person, I can’t imagine not-using my time or energy on the creative and meditative form of self-expression and self-care that is painting my nails. Through this self-expression and self-care, part of the legacy I ultimately want to leave behind is encouragement and uplifting people by fostering love of self and others - not to mention minding my own business. Happy Pride Month.