motivation proclamation: on goals and aspirations

What does it mean to have goals, aspirations, or motivation? I’ve been thinking and overthinking about this question a lot and have been meaning to speak to it in my own words and opinions for literal weeks.

Starting this writing project in theory could and should have been therapeutic in that I get to put my thoughts into words and release them so I’m not holding anything in anymore. Unfortunately my thoughts lately have been negative and centered around my current place in life and my relationship with how other people, and society in general, make me feel about that. Even with the thought of finally getting years and years of things off of my chest in pieces at a time, I’ve been apprehensive, especially afraid to finish this writing in particular.

There is a story floating around the internet about two people at a swimming pool. The one in the pool was cheering the other on to jump off the diving board, but the one on the diving board was afraid to do it. Another person overheard them and said that they were afraid to jump too but they did anyway. The moral of that story was that life isn’t about being completely unafraid before doing things, but embracing fear and doing things anyway.

A while ago at work I told someone in an interview I was sitting in on that, looking back, I was blessed beyond measure and lucked all the way out when it came to the line of work I fell into: Human Resources. It wasn’t until being asked about my career in this interview (by the person we were interviewing, no less) that I realized how clear and beautiful a path I could trace. My first foray into this field was as an office assistant in an HR department, which was a job that I landed based on extensive office-assistant experience. This then turned into HR experience, which then carried me to HR positions with two other companies since moving to Anchorage in 2013.

Every day I count myself lucky that I found something that I love to do and that I’m decent at, and with a bare-minimum education. I originally went to college for music performance, but only made it three years before one year off turned into two, turned into three, etc. Today I could, relatively easily, go back and finish these last six (6) classes to earn an Associate’s Degree in General Studies - an obvious and much less colorful departure from my original major and passion, but a college degree nonetheless. Do I have goals of finishing my education or taking it further? Do I have aspirations to climb the corporate ladder until I can branch out to own my own business or retire early and comfortably? No. Not right now.

Ask anyone what first comes to mind when someone mentions goals, and chances are they’ll immediately think in terms of education or a career. Ask those same people what specific goals first come to mind and they’ll likely start naming things like earning a postgraduate education; or becoming an astronaut, doctor, CEO, or business owner. If not about education or a career, major goals people might immediately think of will relate to some other lofty personal achievement: writing a best-selling novel, climbing a mountain somewhere, or eating healthier in a market where healthy foods are less accessible for people on lower incomes, for example - off-topic and another writing for another day, but an example nonetheless.

Until this year, all of this is all that came to mind when I pondered goals. Because my goals didn’t include going into the STEM or business administration fields, or obtaining a healthy body mass index rating in the foreseeable future, I have been operating under the idea that I didn’t have goals - or what little goals I did have or thought I had before weren’t real or valid.

The age of 30 so far has been a year of recovery - mentally, physically, socially, and financially. For now, my main and probably only current goals and aspirations are debt resolution, building independence, and continuing gainful employment. Out of these, my primary focus is stacking my chips until my debts are paid off so I can live on my own and do fun things that I want to do again. I believe that I can be happy and prosper while living anywhere, but I also believe that I would fare better on my own again. Hearing that you live with your family at 30, regardless of why, is also a turn-off to a lot of romantic or other prospects - “grown-ass man” and “livin with ya mama/they mama” jokes abound everywhere, fueling my already-debilitating self-esteem issues and general existential dread - but I digress.

These “goals” of mine became the topic of heated conversations that I recently had with a couple of my friends. Both were supportive of the ultimate goal of moving out of my family’s home, but one had a markedly different idea of what achieving that goal looked like, where my ending was basically their beginning. One phrase used in this exchange was “get your shit together.” Granted, these were my words and not theirs, but the vibe was very much “don’t talk to me until you do.” And I obviously don’t have it together yet, so I’m still not talking. Not to them directly, at least.

What I need everyone to understand is that my situation is simple but will take a long time to resolve. I have credit card debt to the tune of just over $18,000 that dates back to when I signed up for my first credit card back in 2007. Before all five (5) of my credit cards got shut off, I made constant efforts to stay fed, clothed, sheltered and mobile; making small payments, but then immediately using those payments to not only do the bare minimum to survive but also to do things for fun - because I’m a human being that likes and deserves to do things. When my credit cards did finally get shut off, it was after three months of unemployment. Having taken a considerable pay cut with the next job I found, I couldn’t afford to start making payments again until after I moved back in with my family, leaving the apartment I had and all that came with it for a year. Today, two years later, I’m still staring down a to-do list that I need to work through before I can realistically look at moving back out.

As my own worst critic, I don’t feel that I would be living and performing to my fullest potential regardless of what I do. On one hand, I could withdraw completely and live and work only to pay everything down. I could get additional jobs to get more money, ignoring my limits and sacrificing my mental and physical health. I wouldn’t ever go out and do things, see people, or take part in any celebrations all out of fear of not earning or saving as much money as I feel (or people say) I should. I wouldn’t help friends or family in need, providing for loved ones as any other compassionate adult would feel compelled to do. I wouldn’t waste time making music or writing anymore (you all should be so lucky). I wouldn’t cope, at least in healthy ways, with the stresses and resulting mental-health afflictions that come with constantly working. I would be unreachable, but I would reach my goal sooner. On the other hand, I could, y’know... not. Any of this.

I had a whole paragraph started about whether people with things to do or goals to achieve should be transparent in their processes, but I am not the one to say whether doing so is right or better. People have their reasons for doing one or the other. Speaking all of this into existence and motion in 10,126 characters shared across social media platforms is my choice. Thinking that I live 100% online, and thinking that any degree of living online is deplorable, is a negative thought process that I don’t want to humor or entertain. Social media in general is notoriously manufactured, and my presence on each platform represents very narrow scopes of my daily life - yet as much as I don’t want it to, it still largely drives my predisposition to transparency and influences a lot of my goal-setting processes.

For fun, I look at houses and homes for sale. I started looking just after I turned 30, and started looking to buy because I’ve heard too many people be mourned for renting for years when they could have owned something after so long. Around the time that I started looking, I also got self-conscious about looking at condos because I’ve been conditioned by online content to believe that condos are somehow less-respectable than houses. My impression is that owning a condo comes with limitations, so you don’t fully own it. Buying a house, however - while it’s also buying responsibilities normally covered by a condo’s dues - is also buying full free reign of everything from interior design to landscaping and grounds maintenance.

Ask anyone in my family and they’ll tell you that I don’t lift a finger when it comes to yard work or clearing snow. Most of the single-family houses in my price range are situated in neighborhoods where through any window you have a spectacular view of the house or houses next door anyway. At that rate, and with all of this in mind, a condo is probably an ideal starting point for me.

There were so many other directions I was ready to take this writing, but I don’t want to have to defend anything to anyone. I shouldn’t have to defend anything to people that truly support me to begin with.

Years ago I posted a brief yet emotional writing lamenting how, at one year off from college turning into two, it was taking me longer to get back to school than I anticipated. At that point in my mind I was already grieving friendships I thought I lost because I didn’t follow their same high-pressure and high-yield timelines or life paths. This is where I find myself again today, but I don’t want to grieve anymore because there isn’t anything to grieve. My yields and pressures are not objectively more or less than anyone else’s - just different.

I trust myself to find and maintain a balance between being present and exercising this motivation thing that everyone views and defines so wildly differently yet all seems to value so much. Y’all can write those novels and climb those mountains. I’ve got mountains (and novels, apparently) of my own.